June 5, 2013

  • Bye Bye

    I’ve been receiving a lot of spam comments lately.  Unsure why the sudden influx but oh well. 

    I have to say that whether or not Xanga survives after July 15th, I won’t be a part of the community any longer.  It may sound cheap, but I’m not really willing to pay for a subscription for a blog where I just write about my feelings anyway.  I understand that the cost of the subscription really is paying for the community, but I think the subscription will filter out a lot of users.  I started using Xanga in order to organize my thoughts, and I’ve decided to move to a Tumblr that I’ll dedicate only to written posts.  If you would like to follow me there the link is below:
    I hope you guys think I’m interesting enough to continue to keep up with me.  If not, this is goodbye.  I had a great 8 or so years here, and I know the memories won’t be lost (thanks to the archive feature).

May 27, 2013

  • Do You Believe in Love?

    This question has been on my mind lately.  To be honest, I’m not really sure.  
    I grew up not really believing in love.  That’s weird, right?  A girl who grew up wanting to be a princess not believing in love?  Well, for as long as I can remember, my parents were never happy with each other, but there was a time when they were “in love.”  My dad used to tell this story about when he first laid his eyes on my mom.  It was love at first sight.  At that moment, he told himself that he was going to marry her one day and put forth all his efforts into getting her attention and impressing her.  But when I was fifteen, I caught my dad cheating on my mom.  I was always spoon fed the idea that love was forever, and this was not forever.  At age 15, I believed that there was none of this everlasting love that everyone on TV talked about.  Love was just some imaginary notion that people used to exaggerate their feelings for one another.  This single moment completely shaped my entire life and still affects my life to this day.  I couldn’t trust my father, and I started to resent my mother.  Even though it was my father to blame, I didn’t want to end up like my mom.  She was overbearing, and I wanted to be nothing like her.  She eventually became my anti-role model. 
    But that only led me to have two naive, disastrous relationships once I started dating.  I dated my first two boyfriends very briefly.  Both relationships ended with them stomping all over my pride and me finding out later that they cheated on me.  I never felt so destroyed, and I knew that only someone who I was so vulnerable to could make me feel this way.  Whatever this love was–if it existed, that is–made people extremely attached and vulnerable, and I wanted nothing of it.  I didn’t want to become attached to someone who could hurt me so badly.  The pain was unbearable for me. 
    And then there was my third boyfriend.  I didn’t even like him when we first started dating, but he put in so much effort into our relationship.  I’d never have someone give me all that time and care before, so naturally I fell in love with him.  He made me feel special and loved.  But as it turned out, he didn’t care about me as much as he led me on to believe.  He was selfish and manipulative, and I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have.  The thing is, love convinces you that you’re happy, even when your dignity and principles are being stomped all over.  Love makes you think as long as they’re happy, you’re happy, and I don’t think that’s right.
    Now, I don’t know if I believe in love, and even if I do, I don’t know if I want it.  All I know is I want to be happy, and I’m happy with my boyfriend.  So that’s enough for me.

May 23, 2013

  • Commencement

    My commencement was this week.  It officially marks the end of my undergraduate career.  Although I finished up my degree and graduated in January, I’ve been still clinging onto the idea that I’m still a college student.  I was in a limbo between the protective college bubble and the real world.  And now all my friends are going off into their respective career paths, and since the majority of us are in consulting, finance, and accounting, I can hardly hope that we’d be able to meet up for a few late dinners in these next few years.  This was really the last time we’d all be together.  And soon enough, we’ll be taking on real responsibility.  Good luck to all of us, the class of 2013!

May 20, 2013

  • EDC NYC 2013

    In a nutshell:
    • It’s not as fun without my boyfriend.
    • Finally met fellow raver @BaLob.
    • I love tutus.
    • Not as fun as last year.
    • Citifield is far too small.
    I managed not to run into ANY of my other friends the entire time I was there, other than my ex boyfriend and his best friend who called me a cunt.  Honestly?  I can’t stand either of them, especially since they called me a cunt, and they both come up to me.  They expect me to be hug hug kiss kiss omg you’re here too? yayyyyyyyyyy!  My ex and I both know we are not on good terms, so I just wish he would just stay out of my way.
    Anyway, I did actually have a good time.  I got to spend a lot of time with my good friend who just graduated and came back to NYC from Emory, and I got to meet all her chill friends.  We also met up with a couple of my friends from school and raged so hard.  It was a perfect amount of girls and guys, so every girl was on someone’s shoulders.  We probably were that group of kids that everyone hates, but whatever~.

May 11, 2013

  • What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

    In light of my graduation ceremony coming up and me starting full-time work next month, my friend posed the question, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”  I’ve heard the question many times before, but to be honest, I’ve never had a drive or passion that I’ve suppressed to chase money and materialism.  Although I am a money-centered, that’s not the point here.  I’ve always been driven by the notion of making my parents proud.  I’m sure most first generation Asian-Americans can agree that that’s what drives most of us to become successful in money-mongering fields.  

    I guess I can say that I’m afraid of my parents.  I’ve never really let my creativity flourish and wasn’t able to develop many passions.  My parents think that they raised me to be devout Catholic, republican, and completely dry and sober.  I’ve never mustered up the courage to let my parents know that I’m none of those anymore.  I don’t believe in God, I think gays should get married, and I used to drink so much I think I almost developed fatty liver.  
    I think if I was able to throw away that fear of my parents, I would be able to find a passion.  It’s just that they’ve supported me all my life.  It’s too hard to shrug off all their wishes.

April 28, 2013

April 25, 2013

  • You Know What’s Annoying

    When a guy friend only talks to you only to tell you to hook him up with your girlfriend.  I mean, like I’m all for people getting together and being happy and coupley and stuff, but what do you expect me to do?  Literally this guy only hits me up to talk about said girl, and 1. I’m not even that close with her, 2. she’s a minor, 3. I GOT A LIFE MAN.  

    Like what am I supposed to do?  ”Hey girlll, my friend thinks you’re cute, you should totally date him.”  When did that ever work?  I used to sometimes say, “Hey you would like my guy friend, because this and this and this and this.”  But you know, those NEVER went any where.  
    Anyway, end rant.  Also I’m moving to a new apartment soon, and I’ve been cleaning out my apartment slowly.  I found some of my ex’s stuff, you know the one that called me a cunt.  Suggestions on what I should do with it?

April 22, 2013

  • On Generosity

    Other than the weather and the beautiful palm trees (which I’m obsessed with by the way), I noticed another stark contrast between LA and NYC.  Stereotypically, New Yorkers are less cordial to each other than people elsewhere, and it’s true.  In LA, I had an extremely friendly and genuine conversation with my cashier at Target, while in New York, I can barley expect the cashiers to read the total at my Kmart.  

    Most notable was how people in LA treated beggars and homeless people.  On several occasions, I saw people giving bills to homeless people.  I was once stopped at a light, and the man in the car next to me whistled over the homeless woman passing by and gave her a five dollar bill.  I saw similar events like this about three or four times more during my stay.  In New York, all I see (and hear) are coins being dropped into a homeless man’s cup.  I’ve even seen a man tell a pandhandler on the subway, “Sorry, I only have large bills.”  After seeing what I saw in LA, I thought about why is there such a difference between LA and NYC?  Is it because we’re bombarded by homeless people several times a day?  Is it because we don’t trust where the money is going?  
    It’s probably a combination of things.  I think mostly people choose not to donate money because they’re worried that the money isn’t going to the right place.  Beggars in New York literally will turn away food if given to them sometimes.  A lot of them just want cash.  One man told me, “I want to buy my own food.  I don’t want yours.”  Another told me, “I don’t want to carry food because then no one will donate if they see me holding food.”  It’s so frustrating that they have this supposed dignity when they’re already begging on the street.  No one wants to donate when they think their money will be ill-used.  I understand not all homeless people are crackheads, but there is no real way to distinguish between the two.  
    Sometimes I even wonder if the pandhandlers (especially the ones on the subway) are truly financially strained.  There is specifically this one man who I encounter on the 4/5/6 train (I think he’s also branched to other lines now too) at least once a month.  Every time I see him, he’s actually well groomed.  He gives the same old speech every time, but every time I see him, he’s has a brand new pair of shoes, a nice new leather jacket, etc.  Does he really make that much money begging to afford these luxuries or are there just really really generous people?  I can’t believe that he has gotten that many donations from people consider I see barefoot individuals climbing into the trashcans, trying to hustle their way to the recycling plant.  
    The main reason I choose not to donate is the fact that in New York, we’re all a part of this struggle, some will make it, some won’t.  I get that it sounds harsh, but honestly, New York can be the land of opportunity or it can be an island that eats you alive.  My best girlfriend here lives on welfare, won a full-ride scholarship through volunteering to NYU, and now rolls deep as a successful woman on Wall St.  New York is a place where you have to prove your worth otherwise you’re not going to make it.
    And now here’s an unrelated picture of me:

April 15, 2013

  • LA = Lots of Food

    I just returned from my trip to Los Angeles.  I drove around the LA area, having cheap AYCE KBBQ, In-n-Out, pho, sight-seeing, going to Disney, etc etc.  It was really fun, and I’ll definitely miss all those gorgeous palm trees.
    But honestly, nothing beats the city.

April 1, 2013

  • 25 Things… I guess

    I haven’t written in a while, and I came across a new fad.  25 things that turns me on about guys.  Sounds like an easy enough post.  As you can tell, I’ve been super lazy. 

    Maybe I’ll write an update at the bottom of this list. 
    1. Broad shoulders.  Oh my god, broad shoulders.
    2. Well-fit, dark-wash jeans.
    3. Small eyes.  For some reason I find them really charismatic. 
    4. Good memory.
    5. A strong grip.
    6. Ability to clean, because everyone knows I cannot.
    7. Ughhh shoulders~~~.
    Okay this was harder than I thought.  I guess I don’t know what I like.  I like my boyfriend?  Except he has huge eyes.  I don’t even know, forget I even tried. 
    I just came back from Miami and Cancun, and lemme tell you, I am darker than I have ever been in my life.  Every exposed part of my skin was burnt, including my scalp.  I used sunscreen too!  A whole freaking bottle.  = =”  Please refer to the following pictures for more information:

    Before I got so dark.  T_T

    Sunrise on my balcony at my resort. 

    Got to see one of the Seven Wonders of the World during the equinox!  (Apparently it’s prime time during equinox.)

    Will be in LA soon!