December 6, 2009
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When I talk about him
I still want to call him “my boyfriend.”
So you see, he broke up with me on Monday night. Long story short, he’s trying to get his life together, doesn’t know what’s going to happen, and doesn’t want to drag me down with him. Such bullshit, I know. I wasn’t planning on talking to him ever again, because I still care deeply for him, and it would just be so painful knowing we weren’t together. He begged me to continue being his friend and to move on while he gets his shit together. Monday night, I refused. I said he was being selfish and complained about the three years of my life I invested with him. We said our goodbyes, and he told me he’ll miss me.
Then he sent me a text the next day telling me that those three years weren’t wasted. He still wanted to talk to me because of how close we were and how he’s never been close to anyone else in his life. He called me spiteful and told me that he wasn’t able to move on. I told him he didn’t understand. It hurt too much, and I just wasn’t able to bring myself to just be his friend. He told me that he hurts just the same, and we should be able to talk about it; otherwise it feels empty. I gave in and told him I’d get online later.
So here we are, talking still. At first, it hurt like hell. I couldn’t even see through the tears streaming down my face. Eventually, it turned into how it always was, but without romantic or sexual gestures since I asked him not to. Other than that, though, it feels like it’s always been. I feel like even though we don’t tell each other how much we miss each other, or how we can’t wait to see each other, or what we want to do with each other, nothing has changed. I feel like we’re still together. He still plans on visiting me. Every once in a while, he caves and tells me the feelings he has for me. He tells me not to move on like he initially told me to and to just wait. He talks about getting married still and how cute I am. And so I asked him, “If everything’s the same, why aren’t we together?” He couldn’t answer. He said he didn’t know, and he’d have to think about it. Most of you will think he has another woman, but I wholeheartedly believe that that’s not it. I know it’s because he thinks in the long term, one day, he won’t be able to support me as a girlfriend, and his pride is too great for that. He’ll be embarrassed with himself thinking that he’s not good enough for me. I understand, and his pride has always been something to be left alone, but at the same time, if it’s all the same, why can’t I just be with him now?
Comments (34)
It really doesn’t make sense. If all was the same, I don’t see why you guys can’t be together. If anything, it should have been your decision whether you wanted to stay with him while he tried to get his life together. Facing struggles is hard as is. Facing them alone must be harder…
If I had a dollar for every time I heard “need to get my shit together so I can’t be with you right now” I would be a millionaire. Okay, I’m exaggerating but still it’s unfortunate that he’s giving you such a lousy run around excuse. Him not wanting to be with you yet still wants your friendship is very selfish of him and you should take care of what you need first and foremost despite him calling you spiteful. He hurt you. He has no rights to make demands!
being friends w/ ex’s are never a good idea
@phuck_diz_shiz - well, nothing is holding you girls back from doing the same thing.
hrm i know how you feel
and it’s not a pleasant feeling i understandbut my best advice is think about yourself first… consider your own wellbeing… i know this sounds bad but… sometimes you just have to be selfish…? :S
It seems like a selfish thing to do my ex broke up with me like that basically the same deal. I was so hurt and tried everything reason and make changes to benefit her school and grades. She didn’t want to give in, and then next day when im trying get over it she says she wants to get back together… i refused and didn’t want to be hurt again.. fell into the trap and we didn’t last more than 3-4 months after that. I can’t say it was a waste but i was hurt and couldn’t really recover from that. If its what they want to do then fine but don’t go bring a 180 the next day or week.
this seems like a heavy predicament. i wish i had the perfect words/advice to tell you. but i couldnt even begin to conjure up such things.
I think what he really means about getting his shit together is ..being free and single again. If I was into a girl, I would juggle my whole world so that I can be with her. Yeah ..it’a lousy excuse and I think you she put yourself first this time.
I don’t know, sounds likes he really needs to get his life together right now, and you shouldn’t be with someone who can’t commit to you, if he can’t even commit to his own self. I’m sure things will be super hard in the short run but maybe in the long run you’ll see that fate has it’s weird ways of showing you that this was or wasn’t meant to be.
@utoppia - thank you~. i think the exact same thing. he’s the one that broke my heart, but he calls me spiteful. but, however bs his excuse is, i find it to be pretty true. i mean, he’s graduating this year with a finance degree and the economy is in shambles. but what i find to be bullshit about the excuse is that he thinks i’m young and shouldn’t have to go through it with him.
this may sound brutal and may be something you dont want to hear right now. But, I was in the same boat…and I too have done this once as well…quite frankly…He’s Selfish.He knew that to get his life back together would be to stay single to not drag a significant other down with him because he is insecure if he is able to get it back on track or the “right” track suited for himself.But to continue to keep you in his life as a friend is only an emotional benefit to him. And that is unfair. even in a relationship or as friends. It doesnt work out that way, Now I’m not saying you cant be friends. I’m saying dont be friends if it hurts you. Its unfair.And he’s an idiot. Part of being in a relationship is to be able to go down ups and downs together. To cut you out and yet still want you back “because out of three years you’ve grown close” is just plain selfish… If you weren’t good enough to ride through this so-claimed downfall with him, what makes him think being friends helps the situation at all?pretty soon he will just say we cant be friends because “it’s complicated” and thats the same bull he just gave you now. even then its the same thing…. Selfishness. I say…and this may be hard now, but it will help him (because he claims to want help without you in the picture) Cut him off. we’re all selfish, I admitted I played this BS card once, and you know what..I never saw it then but I see it now…and I’ve seriously brutally hurt that other person through my own selfishness…dont let him do that to you.
I just went through something similar with my ex. We’d been together off and on for around 8 years and he all of a sudden started putting me on the back burner and getting too caught up with himself. I grew tired of feeling like I was being taken for granted. I finally confronted him about it and he had a load of excuses for me (he has a lot on his mind, he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life, etc.) when all it boils down to is he’s too selfish and immature to handle a serious relationship. Girls like us who are so caring and committed in relationships deserve better! Don’t put up with his bullshit. I believe the only reason why my ex wanted me back a few months ago after us not communicating in a year was because I was his “comfort zone”. He knew what to expect from me as a girlfriend and was too afraid to move on into “uncharted” dating territory. He told me everything I wanted to hear and was so affectionate the first few weeks we got back together. Then it all changed. This guy will do the same thing to you. Don’t let it happen, hun. Stay strong and live your own life! Don’t give in to his bullshit.
It could turn out much worse. Hope things work out fine for you. At least you’re not hostile.
I hope it works out for you one way or another. I’ve had a similar situation and I know how ridiculous it can get. <3
Aww, too many times I see that happen. Two people claim they’re not going out, but if you just throw in some romantic gestures and more physical contact, no one would second guess that they’re a couple.Maybe he’s just struggling with the economy right now and doesn’t want the extra “stress” of having a girlfriend to support (support in his own mind at least). But it hardly seems fair that he wants you to stay the same while carrying a different title. Hope all things turn out for the better
i think i know what’s going on in his head, cause i’ve done it to my ex.there wasn’t another guy, i wasn’t cheating, i wasn’t unhappy… i was just scared.like you, we had been dating for a long amount of time. 2 years. and he was head over heels in love with me, telling me that he wanted to marry me, have kids with me… and it was too much. i loved him, but then i started to question if i was in love with him.then there was the subject of what schools we were gonna go to. he was only applying to ones that i applied to, and it was making me feel terrible. it was our senior year of highschool, and he depended solely on me. and that made me feel like a bad person.there wasn’t anything wrong in our relationship. nothing changed, but i started distancing myself and then gradually i felt like being in this relationship wasn’t right for us, so i broke up with him. he was heart broken and wanted to keep talking to me, so we did. i told him he didn’t need to wait for me, but he did. for a long time.when i finally realized that i had a good thing, it was too late. he had moved on and became really bitter towards me. as he should be. i toyed with his emotions even though that was never my intention. when you break up with someone, you should usually cut ties. because when you’re talking everyday like nothing happened, all that is doing is hurting the person who is broken hearted and giving them false hope.i don’t know you’re situation, all i know is the fact that he is still talking to you means that he still cares for you and still has feelings. and i don’t think he is dating someone else, either. i definitely think you’re right about that. hopefully he won’t take as long as i did and things will work out for you! good luck
I have to say, I did this to my boyfriend. Well, not exactly. I broke up with him because I felt like my life was falling apart, and I needed to get it together. Which, it honestly was. I ended up being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, depression and an eating disorder. We are actually back together now, and having that time apart (even though we still talked….) has made us so much closer and so much stronger when I didn’t think we could get any better. Just saying. Don’t give up hope. Sometimes when someone says they need to get their life together, they really do mean it.
it will just take you two some time to adjust. Right now its just hard to let go for both of you. I cant tell you if you guys are meant to be or should get back. I just think you should move on for now.
If it hurts to be his friend then you shouldn’t. A friend of mine did everything with her guy but they weren’t really “together” she finally broke it off officially and totally ignored him. Her life will be better, because he was just playing her. Maybe the guy does have to get his shit together, but having you there for his emotional needs is quite selfish. You should think of your wellbeing and well… not that I know if he’s right/wrong for you but… when a good guy comes along, you’ll know it because there won’t be any complications
goodluck
“If he’s not dating you, he’s just not that into you” Yeah. sure, getting your life together is a must in everyone’s life, but in all honesty, a guy that still has a hold on you when you aren’t together, simply by asking that you don’t move on… is only having the comfort of you being there, without actually having the commitment. I don’t know anything about you and him together, and three years is a very long time to date and then brake up. But in all honesty, I would try your best to get yourself out there and see what others are like, because, who knows… this fiasco could turn into the best thing that ever happened to you.Never allow a man to put you on his backburner and tell you to keep him at the top of your priorities.
sorry to hear this, however im sure that life as you know it will not cease to end. There are many bumps in life and this is simply one hurdle for you. The bad news – it takes much pain and heartache on a person when something of this caliber happens upon us. The good news – because this happens and hurts us, we become stronger as a person in mind, body, and soul. It may take time, but we learn from this and eventually we become stronger than the pain, this makes us better people and we learn how to handle the issues in the future. i hope u find peace within yourself and know that the sun will always break through the clouds and dark.ahh pretty poetic is it not?
I’m sorry, I don’t normally do the whole commenting on random Xanga’s deal, so if there is some sort of social etiquette that usually accompanies these posts, I’m unaware. However, from personal experience… If he cared about you as much as he claims he does, then he would find a way to get his act together without hurting you. If nothing else, the fact that he hasn’t indicates that he hasn’t tried hard enough to keep you.This is probably weeks too late, but don’t give so much of yourself to a person who refuses to give himself up for you.
hey, just passing by… I feel your sadness, hope you can cheer up.. Ok, stop by sometime.. later..
better 3 yrs than 20yrs, cheer up
ohhh boy i know exactly how you feel =T
im in a similar situation. me and my ex broke up because she said she needed an “extended break” which sounded like complete bullshit..it’s been a year, and i recently told her i care for her and stuff and she said the same but yet we’re still not together…hopefully, all will turn out well for you. btw, im just a random xangan browsing…
Hey cheer up and take it day by day. He might come to his senses sooner or later. Don’t lose hope yet!! It is Christmas time so you need to be happy!I’d totally come and give you a hug or something to cheer you up, maybe make some fantastical cookies
Cheer up!
@Dustin_wind - out of all the comments, yours was the most encouraging. ^__^ thank you!
@XoAsianBabioX - You look like you needed to be happy
So if there’s anything you need, my aim sn is on my site, and as always you may message me either on here or on aim if you have it if you feel like cheering up 
I’m good at helping with that kind of stuff!I love your site by the way, and you are one cute girl! 
Wow you have me really depressed now. I was happy too.Perhaps there is a reason for these things, and he is being “selfish” not to hurt you, as he said.There could be others as well.I know that breakups are depressing (beyond depressing) especially when so much time is spent in them. Your life even seems to become a pretense of that person.Just letting you know that I understand what you’re going through, and that I sympathize with your plight.But remember that the sun always shines, even when it rains.
@Gerald_Washington - ahhh, i’m sorry. read my update on the situation. i hope it makes you less depressed.
hes just not that into u!! this is the same lame excuse my ex made 2 years ago and i left him right away!