May 22, 2012
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On Rape and Pressing Charges
As I promised, I wrote something for you guys. No more scandalous pictures of me.
So I was talking to a someone (W) earlier about one of my good friends (S). W and S don’t know each other, and I was telling W how S was raped last year (don’t ask how we got on the subject) and that S refused to tell anyone. She only confided in me and her sisters. She’s sort of young and naive and wanted to put it all behind her, while I told her that she had to tell someone. You can say I’m a bit vindictive, but if someone is going to take advantage of anyone like that, he should get his. I wanted her to press charges, but since our relationship is virtual, I couldn’t be the one outing it for her. I even approached her sisters, and they were just as reluctant. They were all reluctant because they’re still in high school, and they were all drinking and scared of getting in trouble. I was so frustrated that no one would do anything, so I was going to tell my S’s ex boyfriend, who could have done something about it. He still cared for her, and I am personally close with him. The problem was, he had just gotten into a new relationship recently, and it would look like a cry for attention, so I was stuck in between her pride and her well being.
It was then when W told me she would have done the same thing as S. She would have just rather it not come out to the public and hid it. She said she wouldn’t want this business known. I was so surprised. I don’t understand anyone who would let anyone get away with that. Rape is a really serious thing, no matter what coherent state the girl is in. If a girl says no, it means fucking no. The most you can do is ask again. S was drunk and crying, and the guy led her to a room. She thought he was going to try to console her, but instead he took her clothes off. She said no, but being drunk and weak she couldn’t make any physical gestures. I told her that if she didn’t press charges, it would just get out that she slept with him and that she’s a slut anyway, especially since she’s still in high school, and it did. The asshole told everyone that she slept with him. I was so furious and frustrated that she just let that happen to her. I would definitely not have let him get away with that.
I always see those statistics about so and so many rapes don’t ever get reported. I never really understood why. If you were in S’s position, what would you have done?
Comments (28)
It seems like the odds are stacked against people in S’ position… =/
Yeah, I see how someone could not report. Really sucks.
Yikes…=(
Since it’s virtual, would you be able to have a copy of the convo? Depending on the content written, that maybe something that can help bring out the truth of the matter.
Yes, they say majority of rape doesn’t get reported, esp. when the agressor is known to the victim (not random strangers).I hope S doesn’t get pregnant from this awful experience. She should go get checked out, just to mske sure she doesn’t have any STD. He needs to be stopped or else he will repeat and re-offend.
I would have killed him. If anyone ever rapes me and I get out alive, I will kill them. If anyone I care about ever gets raped, I will kill the rapist. I don’t blame her in part because the criminal justice system re-victimizes victims, gives the benefit of the doubt to criminals, and the media glorifies them on top of it. You lose your right to live when you commit atrocities against other humans like that.
I’ve been in her position and I didn’t report. 7 years later I wish I did… I still can but it’s hard facing it and reliving it. It’s easy to say what you would do if you were in her position but it’s just not that easy.
reported the asshole who did it. but i can see S’s point of view that it might be embarrassing for her. it is her choice but she might be allowing the perpetrator to become bolder and rape someone else.
if a guy ever raped any of my friends, i would be willing to pass a brick through the rapists’ face. no hesitation.
Sex is seen by many as very personal so they can feel uncomfortable talking about it and making it public knowledge. Many victims also struggle with guilt thinking it’s their fault for what happened. If she won’t come forward, you can tell her that he’s likely to do again to someone else unless she steps forward. By reporting him, she helping to protect the next potential victim. If she’s underage, you can also consider telling her parents, who can press statutory rape charges against the guy.
I think more than anything, S needs consolation. She needs to address the rape to the point where she can deal with it and not ignore it. It’s not easy to live with and as a friend, supporting her and lending an ear (if you have the strength to bear it at all) will help.
then almost every single man ever lived is a rapist.
@npr32486 - yeah. .___. i really wanted to help her but she was soo stubborn. sigh.@tictact0e0 - it was so long ago, and she never told me who the guy was. i could really never bring it to light.@sf2slc - i’m unsure if she got checked after, but she took plan b the day after. i’ll ask her if she ever did. and yea, i was really worried about that. the guy used to be her friend actually. i’m sure he’s done it many more times. @DrummingMediocrity - right? ugh, its so disgusting that someone would take advantage of such a weak, vulnerable person to get what they want like that.@lovelybish - can you share exactly why you didn’t report?@malestop - i told her those words! she still didn’t listen. sigh.@davidian - high five! haha.@SoullFire - i have no way of contacting her parents. if i did, i would’ve went straight there. that’s why i was considering telling her ex, because i’m sure he would have.@mkazama - yeahh. it happened over a year ago, but i was there for her for about a week to talk to. i only tried to get her to talk to someone about it for about two days, and when i realized that it was making her upset that i said it, i decided to let it go and not create a distance between us. that’s when i reached out to her sisters to see if they could convince her.@mrqtran - if you really think that this is no big deal, then i don’t know. to me rape is when someone takes advantage of another, no matter what condition, when the person has showed disinterest. that is rape, and if every man has done this, then fuck all of them.
@mrqtran - Then I suppose I’ve only come across aliens who have respected me when I’ve said no.
well it happened when I was really little with an adult I trusted. It happened for like 2 or 3 years. After it ended I decided to forget about and I pretty much did. I decided not to tell anyone because the person was a family member and everyone liked him a lot and he was my favorite uncle. I feel like he brain washed me. A few years later my parents found out about him doing things to my cousin and asked me if anything happened and I lied and said no. I didn’t want to admit to anything because I didn’t want to face everything that happened and talk about it, face my attacker and deal with the issues I have because of what happened. I still think about it everyday and want to press charges but I’m still scared.
@lovelybish - D: i’m so sorry! i can totally understand why you wouldn’t want to bring it up. it must hurt to relive it. i hope you’ll be able to come to terms with what happened and make a decision accordingly.
@lovelybish - It might help to think about in in terms of protecting others. Letting this guy go with no penalty allows him to victimize others. I imagine you weren’t his first victim – if that person had raised their voice against him, it’s likely you would have been spared.Not only is it better for you to come forward, you’ll be protecting others from him as well. It should also help you come to terms.
@eatdrinkandbemaryy - girls have the power to get out, so what if they’re weak, one loud cry one loud scream that mother fucker will get his ass kicked. dont tell me that they cant or that they r powerless. thats just sexist in itself and saying all this degrades them even more. and if they say no and their bodies say yes, then what? who is to judge there? actions speak louder than words in this situation.
@mkazama - i say almost, but as one man i can only speak for myself. and good for u. but i dont trust women. they’re always thinking too much and scheming with some sorta agenda. i knew a girl and a guy who dated. they were both virgins and they had sex. but in the end she didnt like it and then said he raped her. now his whole life is fucked up because some dumb bitch couldnt control her emotions. whose fault? my cup is half empty. sorry.
@mrqtran – A no means no. Just because she has a way out does not allow anyone to continue after she already said no.
@mrqtran - seems like you forgot the part about S being drunk and crying (probably an emotional drunk) so she probably couldn’t even scream and there was no one around nearby her to help. The guy was probably seen as a trusted friend as well. If you feel she shouldn’t have gotten drunk, maybe you’re right about that, though who knows why she really drank or drank to the point that led her to be drunk and crying.@eatdrinkandbemaryy - Even though a no means no, some guys just have too much asshole-ness in them to not care. Hopefully at some point, that guy attempted to rape some other girl only to have the girl actually able to fight back and send his ass to the slammer.
we got technical once u asked the question…so no doesnt mean no now, it means no but he didnt take it as no
@mrqtran - just because he didn’t take it as no doesn’t make it okay…
@eatdrinkandbemaryy - but then drunk or not thats no excuse either
I would so he won’t be able to do this to other vulnerable girls again.
i’ve been in this position before & when it first happened, i told 3 very close friends & left it at that. about 3 weeks after the incident, i went to the youth worker at school & it took him 45 minutes to finally get it out of me. he convinced me to call my mom to come into the school & tell her, as well as call the police. the bastard who did it got called into the police station & refused to say anything, which he has every right to do, so it would have to be taken to trial, but since there wasn’t a lot of evidence, since obviously nobody witnessed it & it was more of a “he said, she said” case, my investigating officer told me that it’d be more logical to leave it at that, instead of fighting it, because he’d dealt with cases with more evidence than i had & they still lost the whole thing, & all the defense would do is make me feel like an idiot, & i’d relive the whole thing. so i never went through with it. he was never charged or put in jail, but other terrible things have happened to him since, that wouldn’t have, had he been in jail, so it’s almost equal to being locked up… it’ll never make up for what he did to me… nothing will. now i’m trying to push it into the back of my mind. other than this & on my xanga site where i take surveys (if a question that is about/related to the incident, that’s the only time i’ll ever bring it up), i try my hardest not to think about it at all. repression is a terrible thing & i’m aware of it, but it’s about all i can do now. honestly, i understand why girls hide it, & i understand why girls open up about it, because i’ve dealt with a little bit of both personally. it’s never an easy thing to go through. the only thing i can tell myself & others now is, if you’re still alive today, that means you got through it. just take it day by day. many other girls go through it (as well as guys) so you’re never alone. find whatever way is best to deal with what’s happened & try your hardest not to let it get the best of you. obviously that’s not an easy thing to accomplish, but letting it bring you down can only make things worse… i try to push myself to think positively, even when it comes to past experiences as terrible as that. it’s about all you can do when somebody else’s selfish actions affect you like that & even the justice system can’t help you (which in many cases, they really can’t). :/
I’d sue him till his ass comes off.
Ah yes. Sexual assault is still taboo. I know girls who have been raped and don’t feel the need to report it. In some instances, the perpetrator pretends nothing happened and comes back around their victim because he knows that she’ll stay quiet. Anyway, I was mildly assaulted about a 2 months ago. I remembered the anger I felt as this young female friends and family confided in me of their rape. It seemed like I was more hurt and angry then they were. But when it happened to me, I understood. I ended up reporting my case. It was humiliating but I knew it had to be done. I had to tell my story about 3 to 4 times. Even the most innocent actions, I felt, made me look guilty when spoken out loud. Even though, they gave me great sympathy, they had to interview my perpetrator to “start an investigation” like my testimony wasn’t enough. It’s a difficult topic. I wish I could educate women about the vulnerable positions that we put ourselves in. I have a blog on my experience on my page if you would like to check it out =)