December 17, 2011
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You Should Love Me for who I Am
In the dying days (months) of my last relationship, I was just generally unhappy with how I was being treated. We got into fights often over the same thing over and over again, and I asked him to change. Every time, he would say, “You shouldn’t want to change me. You should love me for who I am.” That’s one of those phrases that you really can’t respond to. Why? Because what the fuck does that even mean? It’s not that the phrase is so utterly true that there is nothing you can say back, but rather, it’s just so baffling. “You should love me for who I am” means one of two things: “You don’t love me if you want me to change,” or “You should tolerate me because you say you love me.”
While both are entirely huge guilt trips, we all know it’s the latter. After a certain point, after so many “I love you”s are exchanged, people feel entitled to their SO’s love. They feel they should be loved wholly and completely. Honestly though, no one is entitled to anything. No one should have to tolerate someone’s imperfections, especially if they’re hurtful and damaging. And no, I don’t have to love you for who you are. You will either change your habits, or I can’t be with you.
I’m not advocating changing someone’s whole person in order to be with them. I do believe you should be with someone you love, not someone you can change into someone you can love. But if someone is continually hurting you, they should see it in themselves to change, if THEY love you enough. The ball is really in their court.
Comments (15)
I think if you love someone, you basically accept their strengths and weaknesses, and choosing to be with that person means you accept things that are unchangeable, like personality or morals. However, if they’re just annoying little habits or behaviour towards others, if it’s something I’m not comfortable with, he should want to not do them because he loves me. It’s a fine line, but it’s one of those things that determine whether you stay or go.
It’s always good to know what you deserve and to never settle. The longer you are in a relationship, the more you can adjust your standards but in the end, they should always be there. Props to you for not being a little bitch and being too scared to break up.v—
Nothings wrong with setting a standard and knowing what your looking for.
“But if someone is continually hurting you, they should see it in themselves to change, if THEY love you enough.”I think it took me a while to realize that after my last relationship ended, but I completely agree.
We all go through difficulties in the name of love, but those difficulties shouldn’t include making yourself feel like garbage. In my eyes love is change, a change in actions and a change in thinking than was previously enacted. So I’ve never liked that phrase “If you love me you shouldn’t want me to change” because by committing to the act of love you’ve already changed.
It’s a 2 way street and if there are things that get in the way such as hurting the other constantly than it’s time to move on. Take the experience you had and learn from it and when the next best thing comes your way you will know what you want.
It has been my experience that the majority of people don’t fundamentally change after they hit 18. So what you have is what you have.
I guess I can…FOR NOW
With people, you have to take it or leave it. No alterations. Nobody’s going to change the way you want them to change. They may change, but it will have nothing to do with you. So if he really hurt you, then you did the right thing in leaving the relationship.
Depends on if it’s a habit or core personality. If they cheat lie steal. Thats not changing. If they smoke cigarettes, then that can change. So what are we talking about here?
Love can entail a lot but one part of love that remains true is that it’s a 2-way street. To want someone to change for you would require that they would want to change for you and that they are ready to make that change. As long as the change is beneficial to both sides and the side undergoing the change is prepared enough to change, then it’ll happen (note: it is said that a new habit can be form by doing something 30 days in a row). If some of those elements and probably others that I’m missing aren’t present, it may take a bit of time or never happen at all.Something to note is rather than the word “change”, “improve” may be appropriate. In this way, I mean the improvements that one would make within a relationship that is geared towards strengthening the bond of and adding value to the relationship. In any case, this is something to keep in mind if not thought of already.
That’s one of the worst clichés ever. Everyone should be — and also find someone — to always be willing to improve to some extent for the better of the relationship. It’s one thing to be realistic about how and how much you can expect someone to change but to have the standpoint of unwilling to even consider changing is ridiculous.Also, the criticality of the character flaw should be taken into account:Don’t like the same music as me, that’s fine. Have anger management problems or a drinking issue, then you definitely need to change.
@xXDC_luyouXx@datingish - best comment ever. you should just write my posts for me.
This came up multiple times with my ex. We tried to stay friends afterwards but the guy was going through crap in his life and had no friends because he was a jerk to everyone. He’d pick a fight over nothing, and ask/shout then in the end, “Are you SURE we can still be friends?!” and I’d be like, “…wanna act like one?” Sigh. Waste of energy.
2011 Years, is happy after a few days will welcome the new year 2012 I wish you success alway sfortunate conciliator