Wednesday, 05 June 2013
I've been receiving a lot of spam comments lately. Unsure why the sudden influx but oh well.I have to say that whether or not Xanga survives after July 15th, I won't be a part of the community any longer. It may sound cheap, but I'm not really willing to pay for a subscription for a blog where I just write about my feelings anyway. I understand that the cost of the subscription really is paying for the community, but I think the subscription will filter out a lot of users. I started using Xanga in order to organize my thoughts, and I've decided to move to a Tumblr that I'll dedicate only to written posts. If you would like to follow me there the link is below:I hope you guys think I'm interesting enough to continue to keep up with me. If not, this is goodbye. I had a great 8 or so years here, and I know the memories won't be lost (thanks to the archive feature).
Monday, 27 May 2013
This question has been on my mind lately. To be honest, I'm not really sure.I grew up not really believing in love. That's weird, right? A girl who grew up wanting to be a princess not believing in love? Well, for as long as I can remember, my parents were never happy with each other, but there was a time when they were "in love." My dad used to tell this story about when he first laid his eyes on my mom. It was love at first sight. At that moment, he told himself that he was going to marry her one day and put forth all his efforts into getting her attention and impressing her. But when I was fifteen, I caught my dad cheating on my mom. I was always spoon fed the idea that love was forever, and this was not forever. At age 15, I believed that there was none of this everlasting love that everyone on TV talked about. Love was just some imaginary notion that people used to exaggerate their feelings for one another. This single moment completely shaped my entire life and still affects my life to this day. I couldn't trust my father, and I started to resent my mother. Even though it was my father to blame, I didn't want to end up like my mom. She was overbearing, and I wanted to be nothing like her. She eventually became my anti-role model.But that only led me to have two naive, disastrous relationships once I started dating. I dated my first two boyfriends very briefly. Both relationships ended with them stomping all over my pride and me finding out later that they cheated on me. I never felt so destroyed, and I knew that only someone who I was so vulnerable to could make me feel this way. Whatever this love was--if it existed, that is--made people extremely attached and vulnerable, and I wanted nothing of it. I didn't want to become attached to someone who could hurt me so badly. The pain was unbearable for me.And then there was my third boyfriend. I didn't even like him when we first started dating, but he put in so much effort into our relationship. I'd never have someone give me all that time and care before, so naturally I fell in love with him. He made me feel special and loved. But as it turned out, he didn't care about me as much as he led me on to believe. He was selfish and manipulative, and I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have. The thing is, love convinces you that you're happy, even when your dignity and principles are being stomped all over. Love makes you think as long as they're happy, you're happy, and I don't think that's right.Now, I don't know if I believe in love, and even if I do, I don't know if I want it. All I know is I want to be happy, and I'm happy with my boyfriend. So that's enough for me.
Thursday, 23 May 2013
My commencement was this week. It officially marks the end of my undergraduate career. Although I finished up my degree and graduated in January, I've been still clinging onto the idea that I'm still a college student. I was in a limbo between the protective college bubble and the real world. And now all my friends are going off into their respective career paths, and since the majority of us are in consulting, finance, and accounting, I can hardly hope that we'd be able to meet up for a few late dinners in these next few years. This was really the last time we'd all be together. And soon enough, we'll be taking on real responsibility. Good luck to all of us, the class of 2013!
Monday, 20 May 2013
In a nutshell:
I managed not to run into ANY of my other friends the entire time I was there, other than my ex boyfriend and his best friend who called me a cunt. Honestly? I can't stand either of them, especially since they called me a cunt, and they both come up to me. They expect me to be hug hug kiss kiss omg you're here too? yayyyyyyyyyy! My ex and I both know we are not on good terms, so I just wish he would just stay out of my way.Anyway, I did actually have a good time. I got to spend a lot of time with my good friend who just graduated and came back to NYC from Emory, and I got to meet all her chill friends. We also met up with a couple of my friends from school and raged so hard. It was a perfect amount of girls and guys, so every girl was on someone's shoulders. We probably were that group of kids that everyone hates, but whatever~.
- It's not as fun without my boyfriend.
- Finally met fellow raver @BaLob.
- I love tutus.
- Not as fun as last year.
- Citifield is far too small.
Saturday, 11 May 2013
In light of my graduation ceremony coming up and me starting full-time work next month, my friend posed the question, "What would you do if you weren't afraid?" I've heard the question many times before, but to be honest, I've never had a drive or passion that I've suppressed to chase money and materialism. Although I am a money-centered, that's not the point here. I've always been driven by the notion of making my parents proud. I'm sure most first generation Asian-Americans can agree that that's what drives most of us to become successful in money-mongering fields.I guess I can say that I'm afraid of my parents. I've never really let my creativity flourish and wasn't able to develop many passions. My parents think that they raised me to be devout Catholic, republican, and completely dry and sober. I've never mustered up the courage to let my parents know that I'm none of those anymore. I don't believe in God, I think gays should get married, and I used to drink so much I think I almost developed fatty liver.I think if I was able to throw away that fear of my parents, I would be able to find a passion. It's just that they've supported me all my life. It's too hard to shrug off all their wishes.