July 10, 2012

• How to: Be a Creeper

  This a topic that I have much first-hand experience with, as well as second-hand experience.  Let me bequeath to all of you the abundant knowledge that I possess.

  This is written from my perspective, so said creeper is going to referred to in male pronouns and said victim will be referred to in female pronouns.  Don’t get all butthurt that I’m being sexist.

  
  

  1. Interrogate the shit out of her.  When you know she’s out, ask here where she is, ask her who she’s with, ask her how long she’s going to be out.  Oh and don’t forget, you’re not her boyfriend, so give her some attitude too when she says she’s going to be out for a long time, even though she wasn’t going to visit you after she got back anyway.  She never visits you, but I mean, now you know she’s doing something instead of visiting you, so you deserve to throw a bitch fit!
  2. And on that note, just get upset at her as if you’re entitled to.  She shouldn’t be fraternizing with anyone anyway.  She parties too much, so make sure she knows how pissed you are every time she goes out by rolling your eyes and giving her a tone.  She should be getting your permission to go out anyway!  She wants to leave when you invited yourself to hang out with her?  It’s totally unfair to you!  She’s being completely inconsiderate!
  3. Make sure you find a day to hang out with her.  If it’s not tomorrow, ask for the next day.  If not then, ask about the next day.  Ask about the next day until she finally tells you she’s free.  Ask her to dinner then, and when she tells you she needs to cook at home, tell her to cook for you, because that’s what a woman should do for a man.
  4. If you know she’s free at that point in time, take advantage.  Invite yourself over to her place.  Overstay your welcome, and when she needs to get ready for bed, tell her you don’t want to leave and fall asleep on her couch.  Now she’ll have to sleep with you!
  5. Make sure she didn’t miss your text.  Your text has gone unanswered for a couple hours, days, or weeks.  Make sure you keep texting her.  She might have missed it.  There’s no way she could have been ignoring you.
  6. When you do have a chance to talk to her, make unwarranted sexual comments.  She has to go shower?  ”Oh you go shower, you dirty girl.”  Haven’t talked to her in a while?  Hit her up with, “I bet you’re so wet right now.”  That sure is going to turn her on.  Throw in a couple winky faces, and you’re good.
  7. Don’t forget, she always reciprocates the same feelings as you.  She straight up turned you down and rejected you?  There’s no way a girl is that forward.  She definitely was on her period and couldn’t think straight.  Let her know you figured it out and give her another chance to give you the right response.  

  
  

  All examples based on true stories. 

  • 11:27 pm
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