Yes, I’m Vietnamese. Yes, I’m a girl, but generally I’d like to say I’m not like the rest of the Vietnamese girls in my generation. They sometimes are classified as gold-diggers. Plenty become import models. Maybe I’m just not hot enough to completely follow the stereotype, but here’s what makes me “Vietnamese.”

1. I do my own nails. I can’t make awesome designs or anything because I don’t have any dexterity or patience, but I’m good at shaping and painting. I mean hands are the first thing people notice about you right? (Minus ass and tits)

2. I drive a Civic. Hey! It’s economical and well fitting for my skill and size. Skill being bad, and size being small. But anyway it gets great gas mileage!

3. I’m good at poker.

Yep.

I was talking to my guy friend about catcalling, and he pondered why they didn’t understand that’s not how to pick up a girl. Of course, I had to provoke him and ask him what the true way was. He obviously doesn’t know, because he plays the guitar and has an awesome body so girls just fall on his lap for the most part. But here are my lists of don’ts on how to hit on girls.

1. Do not bring up her body. If you just met her, or you’re not far into conversation, you probably don’t want to tell her how great she looks in that dress. It’ll come off as piggish and that all you’re after is her ass (even if that’s all you are after). Maybe an “I love your smile” would be a bit more appropriate, because girls have other features other than their tits and ass you know.

2. Do not bring up her ethnicity. Yeah, yeah, you LOVE her ethnicity’s food, you’ve dated a girl with the same ethnicity as her, you’ve always wanted to visit her country, etc. etc. etc. Basically, you just come off as a fetishist. No one wants to come off as a fetishist. Just think about it. Your first impression on her will be “The guy who likes latinas.” Also, even though her food and country make up her culture, does that really say anything about her? And who gives a fuck who you’ve dated in the past. Think wisely.

3. Do not pretend you met her before. This by far is one of the cheesiest lines to date. It’s a bit reminiscent of the latest episode of Modern Family, but the true nostalgia hits when I remember the first time I ever got hit on. It was my freshman year of high school, and I was waiting outside for my mom to come pick me up. This guy approaches me asking me if I’m so and so’s cousin and if we met before. He drags it on for 10 more minutes, detailing where we could have met (THE TEEN CLUB OF ALL PLACES), what my “cousin” looked like, when it was, etc. Being an ignorant girl, I was just so confused. Who was this guy? Is there some lookalike out there? What is going on? Then he asks for my number, and it finally clicked. Don’t do this. She’ll either be confused like me, or she’ll know what’s up your sleeve.