I’ve always trusted people to tell me the truth, since I always give the truth.  Truth and trust are completely related.  Trust is won over time, and you have to treasure it in order to keep it.  But I’ve noticed, as people get closer to others, they start to be more apt to lie, not tell the truth, and secretly break that trust, even though they go hand in hand.

Once people start caring for one another, lies are told to spare the other’s feelings.  But once people start caring for one another, that is also when trust is attained.  It may be a little white lie here and there.  “Oh, you don’t look fat.”  “No, your outfit looks great!” etc.  But there are more gruesome ones.  Where you lie about where you went, what you did last night, who you were with.  You lie to keep the other person faithful, whereas you yourself are not.  You want to spare the other person, in order for them not to go through the heartbreak.  No one wants to know that their trust has been taken advantage of.  But that’s what trust is.  Trust is when you give another the chance to take advantage of you, but you have faith that they won’t.  However, when they do, they begin to lie.  They unknowingly break your trust. 

And thus the dichotomy begins.

So I ended up continuing things with that boy…. And now we’re dating.  I guess my friends were right.  He did grow on me.  It’s scary how other people know you more than yourself.  I was so insistent that it wasn’t going to happen, and lo and behold, it did. 

To profile him quickly: he literally is the epitome of a nice guy.  However, he isn’t some sort of pansy, although he caters to my every whim.  He’s aggressive in the way that when he wants to see me or if he wants to kiss me, he’s not afraid of looking clingy or horny.  It’s really hard to explain, but it’s quite a wonderful combination. 

But what I’ve noticed about myself is that in relationships, I tend to get really self-conscious.  Not necessarily about my appearance, but rather mostly my actions.  I worry if I’m taking the right steps, if I’m pushing him away, if I’m being to clingy, if I’m being overly sexual, if I’m portraying myself the right way.  I mean all these things highly affect how the relationship turns out. 

Relationships are like investments.  You don’t invest into a relationship that you don’t have faith in, and you have high hopes.  You hope for the best, and you hope that what you did was the right choice.  Most importantly, you hope that whatever you do helps the relationship grow, rather than diminish.

As for my last entry, I didn’t need a bunch of comments telling me that I needed to end it.  I said it in my entry.  Obviously, I know.  There was no need for haughty ass comments from everyone telling me what to do like I’m oblivious to my own actions.  Thanks though.

This night ended pretty shitty.  Long story, but the happenings of today has got me reflecting on the status of my own life.  I get into these bouts of feeling sorry for myself, not knowing what to do, and feeling like I don’t own up to much.  I just think about how I wish things were and how things used to be and how much I liked it.  It’s days like these that I wish my ex really was who he said he was, so that we could’ve had a happy relationship.  Honestly, if it wasn’t for all the bullshit, that would’ve been my ideal relationship, with all the passion and chemistry (both physical and mental) that we had.  I feel like I’ll never find a relationship that’s even comparable.  It’s days like this that I feel inferior to my friends, that I can get left behind, that I go unnoticed.  I start to worry about what I’m doing with my life, if I’m going to be successful, and if its going to turn out the way it will.

I’m just being a drama queen.  I need to get over myself.

So I’m in a predicament.  I know I’m a bad person for this, but I led this guy on, because I missed the attention.  Usually, when I play, things never lead this far, but this one has gotten farther than I ever would have expected.  He’s now waiting for me to decide when I’m ready to date.  I’m not ready.  I’m not attracted to him, physically and mentally.  I’m not willing to date him.

But I guess I’m terrible at turning down people I’ve already gotten to know personally, and someone who I know I’m somewhat obligated to.  The thing is, I missed cuddling, so I allowed myself to cuddle with him.  Then he made a move.  I pulled away, but he assured me that it wasn’t going to be a one-night hookup and that he was willing to go as slow as possible.  We kissed, it wasn’t great, and then we stopped to talk.  I told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship and that he shouldn’t expect anything out of this.  However, this have progressed.  He comes to see me every night, or he asks me to come see him, and we always end up cuddling.  I know he likes me, and he’s still waiting.  I’m not.  And I’m going to have to break it to him.  After all my leading on, I feel terrible. 

My friends say he’s so nice and that I will come to like him.  I should date him because he’ll be so good to me.  But there’s no passion there.  No attraction.  Nothing. 

So I’m going to have to break it to him soon.  We live in the same building, we have some of the same friends, we have class together, and it’ll surely be awkward for a while.  But what needs to be done needs to be done.  And I sure as hell cannot let this go on any longer.