So this is an update on my situation with the ex-boyfriend.  It came down to my pride.  And he was stomping all fcking over it. 

I used to be a very prideful person, and I took pride in that, although most people would be ashamed.  I used to be an unemotional, detached, player-like girl, and I loved it.  He changed that in me and turned me into a sap.  I miss my cynical self, and I want it back. 

So I became extremely attached to this guy.  And so when he told me he really wanted to talk to me, I agreed.  After time went by, he became cold and getting back together became an evident false hope.  I clung onto it for a while, making excuses for him, just hoping, maybe it’ll all be back to how I wanted it to be.  However, he continued to be cold.  I felt like he couldn’t man up and tell me the truth, nor could he be straightforward with me.  So I called it off.  I’m not waiting around for him like a puppy and losing my dignity.  I will not talk to him again, unless it’s when he’s picking up his shit he left at my dorm. 

And if that takes too long, his shit goes in the trashcan.  That’s the last time I put someone’s pride over mine.

I still want to call him “my boyfriend.”

So you see, he broke up with me on Monday night.  Long story short, he’s trying to get his life together, doesn’t know what’s going to happen, and doesn’t want to drag me down with him.  Such bullshit, I know.  I wasn’t planning on talking to him ever again, because I still care deeply for him, and it would just be so painful knowing we weren’t together.  He begged me to continue being his friend and to move on while he gets his shit together.  Monday night, I refused.  I said he was being selfish and complained about the three years of my life I invested with him.  We said our goodbyes, and he told me he’ll miss me.

Then he sent me a text the next day telling me that those three years weren’t wasted.  He still wanted to talk to me because of how close we were and how he’s never been close to anyone else in his life.  He called me spiteful and told me that he wasn’t able to move on.  I told him he didn’t understand.  It hurt too much, and I just wasn’t able to bring myself to just be his friend.  He told me that he hurts just the same, and we should be able to talk about it; otherwise it feels empty.  I gave in and told him I’d get online later.

So here we are, talking still.  At first, it hurt like hell.  I couldn’t even see through the tears streaming down my face.  Eventually, it turned into how it always was, but without romantic or sexual gestures since I asked him not to.  Other than that, though, it feels like it’s always been.  I feel like even though we don’t tell each other how much we miss each other, or how we can’t wait to see each other, or what we want to do with each other, nothing has changed.  I feel like we’re still together.  He still plans on visiting me.  Every once in a while, he caves and tells me the feelings he has for me.  He tells me not to move on like he initially told me to and to just wait.  He talks about getting married still and how cute I am.  And so I asked him, “If everything’s the same, why aren’t we together?”  He couldn’t answer.  He said he didn’t know, and he’d have to think about it.  Most of you will think he has another woman, but I wholeheartedly believe that that’s not it.  I know it’s because he thinks in the long term, one day, he won’t be able to support me as a girlfriend, and his pride is too great for that.  He’ll be embarrassed with himself thinking that he’s not good enough for me.  I understand, and his pride has always been something to be left alone, but at the same time, if it’s all the same, why can’t I just be with him now?