Asian-try-hards.  I can’t stand them.  I feel as if it’s like a Napolean complex, except instead of height, it’s how “Asian” you truly are.  These sorts of people usually found amongst the white-washed.  I’m not dissing white-washed Asians, since I do live in Nebraska, barely speak my own language, have very few Asian friends, etc., but it seems that those who feel inadequate to the fobs try to compensate, and it’s nothing less than annoying.

These try-hards do a few key things that drive me nuts.

Offense 1.  “AZN PRYDE!@!)@$*!@)$*@#”
OMG STFU. You can’t even type out “Asian” or “pride” correctly.  I remember when I used to be one of these offenders, and I was one of those Asian-wanna-be thugs/skanks.  Oh, the days. 

So you Asian thugs out there, quit it.

Offense 2. “Wah, that’s so Asian, la~.”
You point out everything Asian, and you try to sound as Asian as possible.  You want to be a so called “ullzhang,” but you don’t realize that takes immense photoshop and makeup skill.  You have to have the quote unquote fobbiest hairstyle known to man, but you go to a white hairdresser to get it done.  All you ever talk about is how you’re Asian, and all the things that come associated with it.  You take every Asian stereotype to be true, and no matter what it is, you flaunt it.  “Yes, I have a small penis, because I’m Asian.”  Your excuse to everything is, “Because I’m asian.”

True story: my Chinese try-hard friend posted this as his Facebook status: “[insert name here] needs to find a job. What’s the most Asian job out there?”  Dude, just make money.  Who cares if it’s Asian or not.  Bonus points: he has the ugliest “fobby” hairstyle ever.

Offense 3. “Look. Asians!”
You’ve gone through your life without befriending a single Asian.  Now that you’ve opened your eyes to see that you lack  chopstick-able friends, you gravitate to anyone 5’4 and under, black hair, and brown eyes.  You’re at your newly discovered boba shop, and you mention to your other Asian try-hards that more Asian people are coming into the store. 

The icebreaker? “You asian? Hey, me too!” 

Offense 4. Peace signs.
Now that the gangster peace sign has gone out of fashion, you now exhibit a reformation of the former.  Instead of palm-in, fingers slightly angled down, you now pose with an upright, palm-out version.  Every damn picture is you and a peace sign.  Variety please.

Offense 5. Hello Kitty.
Okay, I, too, am guilty of this offense, but I have limited myself.  No longer do I carry a Hello Kitty purse with assorted Hello Kitty charms dangling off the handles.  I don’t adorn all my possessions with Hello Kitty stickers.  Lastly, I don’t head to Target and go straight to the Hello Kitty section. 

Because real Asians buy it at Sanrio. 

My advice to you is stop failing at being Asian. The end.